She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
