Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think I have vodka in my lungs
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
