yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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