My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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