My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
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