I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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