I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
