My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
