Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
even my farts smell like vagina
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
