I need help removing her.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
