you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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