I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
