its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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