if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
