the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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