I wish I only lived at night.
it's like iHOP with fire
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
A+ Viking dick
Randomize
