Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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