Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
