Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
