my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
