This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
