I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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