wat bout pragnant strippers??
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
