he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just found a bag of teeth...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
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