I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
