I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
