No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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