The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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