I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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