So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
