Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
