Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
