I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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