I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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