So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
