My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
