Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize