Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
