I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sext me about skeletons
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
