idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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