ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
