Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
