I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
