The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
