Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
