You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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