My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
