Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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