if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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