Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
