you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
