oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
FUCK WHALES
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
