1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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