bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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