I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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