I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
