I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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