Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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