College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
