Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
babies were throwing up all over the place
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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