if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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