I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
